oh girl this boat is sinking, there's no seat left for me

but I still don't want to fully give up...
this is just so hopeless

I feel hopeless and don't know how to talk to him oh wow how embarrassing I only wish he'd talk to me the way I need him to, and to ask him to would be too much considering the not-so-lengthy period of time we've been acquainted. pity. pity pity pity.

something like religion is NOT getting in the way of me going for this. you appear VERY worth it in my eyes and though I won't say any of this to you for a while, I just want to tell everyone else in the world. you're sweet, and you are just so beautiful honestly just everything I can see about you. the perfect boy walked out of my house today and even though I've only known him a few days, I just want him to walk back in

so in love right now. want to kiss this kid right now.

even my tastebuds are in shock and they haven't even been touched

I can't help it; it's like he has something that just draws me in. i could fall in love with him but I don't even know what he's like...somehow at the same time though, I do, and I love it. every bit of it. what is happening to me? he consumes my thoughts. my brain is FULLY CONSUMED BY THOUGHTS OF THIS BOY THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I just want to talk to him, and have his attention just for a bit longer again. every time he looks at me I go into reserve mode, containing every thought and molecule in my body that I want to let go. I want to say "you are beautiful and I would love to get the chance to talk and get to know you just for a little while but preferably as long as possible because you have captured my attention since day one." but that's not even all I would say if I could. I would say "your eyes lock me in like I'm in a whirlpool of easy panic which shouldn't make sense but it is really a fantastic and exciting feeling and saying my heart skips a beat when you look my way is simply not enough because my words freeze in their place and as they melt they trickle down my spine and I get chills like I've never felt before. they're almost hot but they're chills, as I burn to just get closer to you. I just want to be closer to you"

but who am I to ask why one is hiding...hypocrisy is my specialty, isn't it?
 
I took a walk yesterday. I walked until I could find another person. I thought about what I saw from their appearance, their body language. I wonder what people see when they see me.
 
My name is Sara and I've had a really rough year and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate giving up and I hate sounding so pathetic. I can't figure out anything though.
 
I just looked through my chemistry notes. I know, that doesn't sound very exciting, but my Tuesday nights lack a charm of any kind. For that matter, none of my nights have any sort of charm either. I found my suicide letters in the back. Reading them was interesting. I feel like I'm trapped in a building that's being engulfed in flames.
 
I called for help. I needed a friend, I needed someone to come and carry me away from the flames. Someone to bandage my burn scars and to take me to a safe place.
 
Apparently asking for help causes more trouble. It risks more people. The "solution" to this problem, being me, is to send me away. They don't want me. The scars will never fade and I'm sorry if I started the fire unintentionally...sometimes accidents happen.
 
Love is something I am totally inept to. I love my family by default but I don't feel anything. With anyone. I just can't feel anything. I feel my body enclosing in on itself, and my lungs collapsing. I feel my hands trembling and my eyes swell. But I don't feel feeling.
 
I'm too scared. I'm scared of a lot of things I just don't want to seem weak so I walk around like I have nothing on my shoulders weighing me down and even though this is such a cliche, I have a lot weighing me down and I can't walk anymore.
 
It takes a really lonely person to spill their soul to someone they don't know but seem to care about too much.
 
Lonely people need something to cling on to, and when all else has abandoned us, we find the most absurd and painful alternatives.
 
I hate apologizing in advance for things. I know I'm going to cause damage but for some strange reason I feel like it will help some other aspect of something.
 
So many "something"s. It feels too empty. I need to fill the glass, it's not half empty or full, it's completely empty and I have nothing to fill it with.
 
I sit here and listen to If I Had a Boat. James you enlighten me. Life wouldn't be the same without you.
 
My eyes feel like they're going to sink into my skull.
 
If I lived on the ocean, I'd get a boat and sail away far far away until I reached foreign land. I'd show up and just wander around.
 
EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT I NEED TO LEAVE. I NEED TO GET AWAY AND START OVER.
 
someone save me. I'm begging you.
please.

I want nothing more than death. I don't care how much worse life could be. I am not scared of killing myself, I am scared of hurting my mom because she would be permanently damaged. I pray to god (and I am a huuuge atheist) that I die soon. very soon. I just want to end this. forever. let's get it over with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tARPXgg88c4&feature=related
 
I've been high for so long. I want a huuuge white canvas and a big paint brush with rainbow colors so I can just paint huge pretty lines all over it.
 
I love chocolate. I eat lots of chocolate mmmmmmmmmmmm
 
why hadn't I done this earlier in the year...it makes me so happy and calm.
 
I pierced my ear again (k